by user PhatShady

Vice President


Vice President isn’t a bad gig. You get full run of the White House bowling alley and movie theatre. You get to travel on the public dime. You attend some mediocre conferences. You can say things to reporters that the President wishes he could say. If you want to feel like you got some juice in DC then you can preside as President Pro Tem of the Senate to soothe your ego as playing second fiddle to The Most Powerful Man in the World. If things really get bad you can always polish off a pint of Wild Turkey and shoot someone you pretend is your friend in the face. That last one is a gas, we should all be able to do that at least once in our life.

It is becoming increasingly clear to gut level voters such as myself that Fred Thompson is the Heir Apparent for the nomination, anybody else is either VP material of just fodder to stir up the base. The best part is that Fred’s wife is almost cuter than Kucinich’s, but not as nutty.


So what are these Foolios doing in New Hampshire on Tuesday night? They are interviewing for VP on the Republican national ticket for President, that’s what.


The following are some crib notes for Fred and Michael Deaver from an Average American who doesn’t try to think too much about the issues, but rather a candidates ‘Electiveness.’  This Average American’s gut level reactions before and after to the candidates if you will. To assist Fred and Mike while considering who to bestow the honor of Fred’s running mate to. It’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make for my country.


Rudy Giuliani

Before: Name one former president whose name ended in a vowel sound? (and don’t give me that sometimes ‘y’ crap from the Kennedy fans, have another drink all ready). There is only one, Monroe, of the Monroe Doctrine. Rudy’s bald and wears glasses. The only feather in his cap is that he looked presidential briefly ‘after’ the 911 attack, but that is all he talks about, he needs to come up with something new tonight or continue to lose ground to candidates who aren’t even running yet.

After: I have to give Rudy a little credit here, he talked about something else other than himself and how presidential he looked managing from a bunker after 911. Then again they weren’t broadcasting from the Fox ‘Let’s just Scare the Hell out of Everybody’ News Network. Instead of promoting himself, he got the focus off of him by telling you what a bunch of fruitcakes the Democrats were the other night, didn’t ya know? Like John Edwards he hates bumper stickers, me too, just how many frakking honor students can there be at one elementary?? Rudy went on to claim that he had read every word of the 400 page Immigration Bill. On that I’m going to have to call, “BULLSHIT.” Notice how every time he tried to invoke God or religion he looked just about as uncomfortable as a Prostitute in Church on Sunday? Overall Rudy succeeded in breaking away from being the 911 mayor but didn’t look presidential, would make a nice running mate for Fred though.


John McCain

Before: A once proud and respected politician has lost his ‘mojo.’ Nowadays he just seems too desperate to be president. Its his last chance, he knows it, and it shows.

After: For a while it looked like McCain was stuck on that “They are going to follow us home, steal chickens out of our coops and date our White daughters” motif that works so well with Fox viewers. He also said that Nuclear power was fun and sexy, so where do we put the waste John? How about Arizona? Ya, that’s what I thought.

He did score some major kudos in my book when he stood and directly addressed the sister of a soldier slain in Iraq. It almost brought me to tears and you could engender the sincerity in his poise. What pissed me off thought was that after that every candidate thought they were supposed to walk to the end of the stage to make a point, what a bunch of piss-ants. As far as I’m concerned the rest of this field of candidates wouldn’t make a pimple on John’s ass when it comes to sincerity for our troops and their families. Overall John will probably tell Fred to just GoFrakHimself and slink into book tours and obscurity.


Mitt Romney

Before: GQ poster child for the Mormon New World Order. The fundamentalists who have hijacked the values and platform of the Republican Party fear this member of a shadowy cult with magic underwear and dominion over you own personal planet should you tithe well. One has to wonder why the Osmond Family has been so strangely silent about one of their own.

After: Mitt was whoever you wanted him to be on an issue. He didn’t back down from his faith, but didn’t tell you that if your not a member of his faith that you’re gonna burn baby. After every response from his peers he seemed like he was jumping out of his skin to be the next one called on by Wolfie, it was sad in a weird sort of way. When asked about his bilingual adds he dodged the answer. Overall would make a great addition to the ticket if you think that a Mormon won’t be as much as an electoral handicap as putting a minority on the ticket, i.e., Jew or a Woman.


Mike Huckabee

Before: Upon first meeting him I found him to be folksy and reasonable on social justice issues. But he raised his hand when asked if he didn’t believe in evolution. Now he just reminds me of Lamar Alexander and I don’t think a plaid shirt tour would hurt or hinder his meager chances.

After: Played the God card well but felt that he needed to explain his ‘evolution only’ answer in the previous debate. Pleaded with people to give Hope, Ark. another chance, I didn’t know they needed one. Overall he is cutesy and well spoken, but he may just be too cutesy and well spoken. Fred and Mike think that he will make a great Secretary of Education.


Sam Brownback

Before: Darling of the Christo Fascists and one of the Famous Three who don’t believe in evolution. Then he wrote an op-ed piece in the New York Times were he waffled about it. He’s weak, weird, and waning. But hey, Pat Boone donated $300 to his campaign, so that should help.

After: Your doing a heck of a job Brownie, oops, wrong Brownie. He wants us to enforce the immigration laws we have, and on that I agree. But with all that squinting he just creeps me out. Sorry Squinty but Fred don’t want no Freaks.


Jim Gilmore

Before: Really works the Reaganesque angle tirelessly. Lastest slogan is ‘Why wait for Fred or Newt when you’ve got Jim?’ Uh, maybe because he’s Jim and not Fred or Newt, duh.

After: I really can’t remember who he was, was he Tancredo, Hunter, or that guy in JFK who thought that Oswald had help. Sorry ‘footnote,’ I got nothing for you.


Tom Tancredo

Before: Quick name the last Italian American President or a president whose name ends in a vowel other than a silent e or Monroe?? Can’t do it, want to know why? Americans voters are a paranoid lot and will always vote the safe vote. After: Now I remember this guy. He used to Bob Dornan, B1Bob, from Orange County. He stated that bilingual countries don’t work, has anyone told Canada?



Ron Paul

Before: The whole two first names thing always freaks me out a little, just don’t know what to call him. He has rallied a large Internet base and has not let up on calling the Republican Party to task for straying from its core values. But that is his problem, he is too honest and big business is scared of some of his economic initiatives. My prediction is that Wolfie will marginalize him much like Dennis and Mike were Sunday. Which is kind of sad really, we need someone with his passion for his country in the front light.

After: Did you notice that they gave him the Kucinich spot? I guess they put the most unpredictable guy closest to Wolf in case he needs to taser them or something. Question for the rabid Ron Paul Internet crowd. Just why did it take Wolf nearly 15 minutes to ask the best thing since sliced bread a question??? Cause he scares the crap out of just about everyone with his honesty. Ron is the only candidate with a verifiable, clear, and concise vision for America. Its called the Constitution, some of you youngsters might want to look it up before is got a bad rap for being a suicide pact or something. Fred won’t consider Ron as a running mate because Ron will be running a third party campaign. If Ron is as smart as I hope he is he will work something out with Bloomberg and finally tell the status quo to go suck eggs.


Tommy Thompson

Before: He’s got that weird name thing going like Pokey Pokemon something. Freaks me out. Oh ya and he waffled about hating gays, do you hate them or not Tommy???

After: Quite frankly the best answer I have heard yet about getting us out of Iraq. LET THEM VOTE ON IT. Duh!!!! Fred and Hillary think that he will do well at the State Department.


Duncan Hunter

Before: There is a small following for this candidate amongst my MySpace friends so I will try to listen and see if he has anything new to say. However, I don’t expect him to get much airtime as Wolfie prefers star magic and as I recall from the last debate Hunter isn’t as entertaining as Paul or Gravel.

After: Mildly impressed I was. He wants to Nuke Iran, good. Admitted that once illegals are run off Americans were lined up for the jobs the next day, good. Seemed to make the most sense, for a republican, on affordable health care for all Americans. Fred’s gonna like this guy, he’s a gamer. He just might provide the ability to do the things that a President can’t.


To conclude I would like to add a few observations. Wolf let the front-runners hog all the airtime once again. If it’s a level playing field then someone needs to send CNN a new level. The candidates didn’t seem to rely as much on the legacy of Reagan as they did during the previous debate. It was refreshing to see the candidates stand on their own merits, not how those merits compared to “The Great Communicator.”

Wolf didn’t use his “You didn’t answer the question” as much tonight as he had to with the Democrats. Did the Republicans stay on topic much better, or did Wolf simply give up on getting a straight answer from a politician? I know I did a long time ago.



From The Opinion Wiki, a Wikia wiki.

From The Opinion Wiki, a Wikia wiki.

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