by user JMK444
Here's the sad thing for me, I must confess that I really, really liked Kieth Olberman for a very long time.
He was half of perhaps the greatest Sports Center duo ever on ESPN! He and Dan Patrick comprised a dynamic duo that brought sports highlights to, well, new heights.
Today Kieth Olberman is the whole (as in A-hole) of perhaps the most disastrous political talk commentary show on TV.
From "Joumanji" to "Jou-OhMyGodit'satrainwreck" in about four years (3/31/03)? That's gotta be some kind of record.
Sure, he's taken his Countdown right from his old Sports Center day's top highlights and he's added his "Today's Worst Person in the World" segment...a segment so lame that it could be a really bad Daily Show skit, but it's not even crazy enough, or edgy enough to be that.
It's just heart-wrenchingly lame.
How lame is it?
Well, it's so lame that just based on that one segment alone, I'm making Kieth Olberman my "Douschebag Du Jour" (and I just came up with that on the spot and it's funnier and less bulky than Olberman's poor man's Jon Stewart impersonation) for the entire month of March 2007 (what can I say, I'm a lazy bastard....but at least I'm not mind-numbingly lame).
So, where did Kieth Olberman go wrong?
Well, he left Dan Patrick and Sports Center for one thing. What kind of a nitwit would leave a gold mine like that?
But even more disastrous, Kieth Olberman decided that he'd engage in a little thing we like to call "Liberal commentary."
Come on Kieth!
Liberal commentary is a lot like red bell-bottoms.
Now go look in the mirror.
What do you see?
OK, look harder.......yeah, you're a white suburbanite punk, same as me.
You have to be either a woman or a black guy to pull off red bell-bottoms Kieth and you're neither.
Think about it! Women (sorry ladies) can pull off just about anything fashion-wise (it's true) because, sad as it may seem, no one's paying any attention to the fat chicks and every guy is just imagining all the others naked.
See how that goes? Red bell-bottoms/burqua, it really doesn't mater, because we're all busy trying to picture you ladies naked.
Black guys, well that's another story altogether.
I don't know how they can pull off such fashion faux pas, I guess life's just innately unfair.
You've seen it a million times by now. Your in the 7/11 (stop, don't act as though you don't go there) and in walks....no saunters...a black kid wearing red bell-bottoms...and it's a GUY! They're also low riders, half way down his butt revealing his four pair of underwear....and your stunned...stunned that ANY guy could actually pull off that fashion atrocity, but low and behold, he's doing it. Going where very few straight men have ever gone before.
What's the first thing you ask yourself?
No, NOT, "What's he doing wearing four pair of underwear?" Although that's a fair question.
Right, "I wonder how I'd look in that get up?"
And suddenly, almost instinctively and certainly against your will, a vision as horrific as a fat guy in a speedo slams itself off the four walls of your brain, rattling around in there like the image of some horrific war wound, or Mike Dukakis sitting dorkily inside that tank wearing a helmet seventeen sizes too big...and you realize exactly what you'd look like wearing those low rider, red bell-bottoms - like a middle aged, white dork wearing a grossly obscene, ass-revealing costume guaranteed to drive others around you into fits of uncontrollable violence.
You shudder at the thought and come to your senses. Red bell-bottoms just aren't for the likes of you and me.
But as if to confirm this revelation, a young white kid struts into the same store in almost the exact same get up...and he grins and flashes you a bunch of what you presume to be gang signs, as he stands there looking as ridiculous as a chimpanzee in overalls.
Your first thought is "Should I get a gun, or just a bat to put this poor son-of -bitch out of his misery?" I mean you really feel sorry for this pathetic shitbird even more so because you realize, "There but for the grace of a few horrific images..."
You see Kieth? Liberal commentary is the verbal equivalent of those red bell-bottoms. It's hard to look good, let alone manly wearing them, especially for white suburbanite punks like us.
You think I don't sympathize?!
You think I haven't heard that same siren's call?
Sure I have! How many times have I heard that call, "JMK, you're a funny guy and you can really turn a phrase...at least some of the time...and we could really use you over here on the Left......that's aisle NINE, under red bell-bottoms. Sure they don't look good on everyone, but we believe you could pull it off."
The day I try and squeeze my fat, white-bread ass into a pair of low rider, red bell-bottoms, is the day I finish off that ensemble with what I like to call a twelve gauge necktie.
In short, come to your senses Kieth, just stop it. Give up the ghost and crawl back to Dan Patrick and ESPN....if they'll still have you, but give up on this ill-fated, ill-conceived political commentary show. It's pathetic....as pathetic as a pair of red bell-bottoms on a middle aged white suburbanite punk.
And drop your ridiculous one-sided "feud" with Bill O'Reilly. You're not coming off like a pit bull with a grip on O'Reilly's jugular, but as a bouncing, drooling puppy-dog humping his leg.
The fact of the matter is that O'Reilly has already "deliveranced" you...and by "deliveranced," I mean grabbed you by both ears and butt reamed you like a meth-crazed hillbilly, demanding that you squeal like a pig."
Sorry, but that's the butt-ugly reality of it all.
You're NOT Ned Beatty and quite frankly, you don't need that. ...and neither does the viewing public - which for you is your entire family and the eight other MSNBC regulars breathlessly waiting for Joe Scarborough.
Please Kieth, PLEASE!!! Take off those red bell-bottoms, you look ridiculous.